Friends: Covid-19 has tossed us up in the air and left us hanging. We'll come back to earth eventually, but I've appreciated other artists sharing of themselves to keep us all from going stir-crazy, and I want to do the same.
(Sorry for the hinky formatting. I tried.)
This play was produced fall 2019 both live and on radio...and I bet you could a fabulous spin on it.
Try doing sound effects. Try weird voices. Switch up the genders.
If you're into it, post a video of your performance on my Facebook page!
(Sorry for the hinky formatting. I tried.)
This play was produced fall 2019 both live and on radio...and I bet you could a fabulous spin on it.
Try doing sound effects. Try weird voices. Switch up the genders.
If you're into it, post a video of your performance on my Facebook page!
Go the Extra Mile
a radio play
by Delaney Green
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Virgil, Ambulance driver
Moses, Ambulance driver
Harold Friedrich, heart attack patient
Myra Friedrich, Harry’s spouse
TIME
The Present
PLACE
Inside and outside an ambulance
SFX: A body falling down the
stairs. Distant wail of ambulance
gets closer. Stops. Doors
opening. Rumble of gurney
wheels on pavement. Rattle of
buckles.
MOSES
Here we go, Mr. Friedrich. Ready, Virgil?
VIRGIL
Ready.
MOSES
On three: One, two, Three.
HARRY
What’s happening?
MYRA
You had a heart attack, Harry.
HARRY
I did?
MYRA
We’re going in an ambulance to the hospital, Harry. (To Moses) You’ll drive carefully, won’t you? The roads are icy.
MOSES
I haven’t lost anybody yet.
VIRGIL
Take it easy, Mr. Friedrich. We got you. I’m gonna spray a little nitroglycerin under your tongue. There you go. Moses, he’s really flushed. I’m gonna give him some O2. Mr. Friedrich, I’m putting an oxygen mask on you to help you breathe easier. Are you in pain right now?
HARRY
(Next few lines are muffled—actor can hold hand over mouth) No, I’m all right…Is Myra there?
MYRA
I’m right here, Harry. (To Virgil) Can I ride in back with him?
MOSES
We prefer that you ride in front with the driver, Mrs. Friedrich.
MYRA
He’s my husband! He could die on the way to the hospital! You want me to ride back here with you, don’t you Harry?
HARRY
Yes, dear.
MOSES
(Sighs) Buckle her in, Virgil.
VIRGIL
OK, Moses. Here, Ma’am, let me help you.
SFX: Buckles snapping into
place.
MYRA
Oh. Oh my. It’s like a dog harness isn’t it. Goodness. OOF!
VIRGIL
Sorry, Ma’am. It has to be snug. You’d probably be more comfortable in front.
MYRA
(Girlish giggle) Oh, I’m not complaining. Um…do you have a blanket? It’s cold.
HARRY
Everything OK over there?
MYRA
Of course, Harold, for pity’s sake. This young man is just buckling me in nice and tight. Gracious, your hands are big as bear paws. Ah, thank you for the blanket. Put one on my husband, too.
VIRGIL
Will do. There we go. All set, Moses.
MOSES
Roger that.
SFX: Sound of a diesel vehicle
revving, departing. Sound of a
vehicle moving continues under
conversation. No siren.
MYRA
Say, could you adjust this harness? It’s hurting my neck.
VIRGIL
Sure. (Buckle clinks) How’s that?
MYRA
It feels exactly the same. Brr! It’s freezing back here.
VIRGIL
Like I said, you could ride in front. Be more comfortable. We’ve got a ways to go.
MYRA
Aren’t we going across town to the hospital?
VIRGIL
(Breezily, deliberately ignoring Myra) How you doing, Mr. Friedrich?
HARRY
(Slightly muffled—actor can hold his hand over his face) I’m OK. This mask is cutting into my face, though.
VIRGIL
Moses, can we take off the O2 mask?
MOSES
Is he breathing OK?
VIRGIL
Seems to be.
MOSES
OK, then.
MYRA
No, Harry, keep it on. (Pause) Excuse me—what did I just say?!
HARRY
(Not muffled) Ah! Myra, it’s fine. Thank you—Virgil, wasn’t it? Whatever you did back there helped a lot. Can I get some water? My throat feels really sore.
VIRGIL
Moses?
MOSES
Sure. Give him some water. How’s his color?
VIRGIL
Better.
HARRY
It’s weird, but I feel pretty good for a guy who’s having a heart attack.
MYRA
(Trying to refocus attention on herself) You want to know why Harold had a heart attack?
VIRGIL
Does it matter?
MYRA
He eats too much junk food.
HARRY
I eat what you put in front of me.
MYRA
Sausage and crackers?
HARRY
(Guiltily) Oh.
MYRA
Pretzels and beer.
HARRY
(Uncomfortably) Um….
MYRA
I try and try to help you make healthy choices, Harold--
HARRY
(to Virgil) My wife has put me on every diet known to man: grapefruit, Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, Mediterranean. Heh heh—but I still had a heart attack.
MYRA
(Shrilly) It’s the sausage, I’m telling you!
MOSES
Ma’am, I’m going to need you to soften your tone.
MYRA
I beg your pardon?
MOSES
You’re upsetting your husband.
MYRA
I am not!
HARRY
Little bit.
VIRGIL
Here, Mrs. Friedrich, I can help you move up front.
MYRA
I am not budging.
VIRGIL
Then please calm yourself, Mrs. Friedrich. We can’t have you raising his blood pressure.
MYRA
His blood pressure would be fine if he ever listened to me.
HARRY
Well….
MYRA
(to Virgil) You work and work to help your spouse become a better person but he fights you every step of the way--
HARRY
—Myra--
MYRA
—and so you push him a little harder. But he refuses to change. You still find cracker crumbs in your bed.
HARRY
(Mumbling) Sorry.
MYRA
(Enjoying herself) When we first got married, he spent hours in the garage on idiot inventions that nobody would ever be interested in. A machine you keep in your pocket that does math!
HARRY
I was working on a calculator, Myra. The SR-10 came out in ’73 and Texas Instruments made a fortune. That could have been us.
MYRA
Oh, pooh on math. Who cares?
HARRY
What about that portable phone I was working on two years before Marty Cooper invented the cell phone?
MYRA
How was I to know cell phones would catch on? (Changing the subject—again to Virgil) Thankfully Harold gave up all that tinkering. Imagine a grown man playing in the garage like a child.
HARRY
(Mumbling) If we’d had kids, you’d have let them play around.
MYRA
Here it comes. Go on, Harry, tell them why we don’t have kids.
HARRY
—We don’t need to go into that--
MYRA
(Rolls right over Harry’s line) It’s my fault.
HARRY
Myra. It just wasn’t meant to be.
MYRA
Well, I still wonder if that doctor knew what he was talking about. It might have been your fault, Harry. Maybe you didn’t have enough zippity-doo-dah to get the job done.
HARRY
(Feels a twinge) Ooh!
VIRGIL
What’s wrong, Mr. Friedrich? Are you in pain?
HARRY
It was just a little poke. Surprised me.
VIRGIL
Ma’am, maybe you could change the subject.
MYRA
(Outraged) Who are you to tell me what to do?
MOSES
We have to deliver Mr. Friedrich in good shape, Mrs. Friedrich. You’re making that hard to do.
MYRA
How dare you? Why is Harry the one people always pay attention to?
HARRY
That’s not so, Myra. When you decorated the whole house, everybody praised you for it. You got everything you wanted and I just paid the bill.
MYRA
I did not want brown tweed.
HARRY
But…you chose brown tweed.
MYRA
I chose it for you. Men like brown tweed.
VIRGIL
I don’t.
HARRY
I like blue.
MYRA
No, Harold, you don’t like blue.
SFX: Bump. Wheels rolling.
Engine stops.
MOSES
We’re here.
MYRA
Why are the windows glowing orange? What’s out there?
VIRGIL
Here you go, Mrs. Friedrich, let me unbuckle you, and you can have a look.
MYRA
Have a look? At what, snow?
SFX: Back doors of ambulance
opening.
Whew! Why is it so hot? Wait a minute—this isn’t the hospital!
MOSES
No, Mrs. Friedrich. You asked to come here first.
MYRA
I asked for nothing of the kind! What is this place? Get your hands off me!
VIRGIL
I’m just unbuckling your harness, Ma’am.
MYRA
I am not leaving this vehicle.
MOSES
Need some help, Virgil?
VIRGIL
Could you? She’s got her fingernails dug in.
SFX: Door opens. Footsteps.
HARRY
What’s going on?
MOSES
Step out of the ambulance, Mrs. Friedrich. Here we go.
MYRA
Take your hands off of me! How dare you! Harold, tell them to take their hands off of me!
HARRY
What are you doing? Where are we?
MOSES
Little detour, Mr. Friedrich. We’ll be on our way in two seconds.
MYRA
What is this place?
MOSES
No point beating around the bush: this is the end of the line for you, Mrs. Friedrich.
MYRA
What are you talking about?
VIRGIL
Mrs. Friedrich, you fell down the stairs and broke your neck tonight. You’re dead.
HARRY
Myra?
MYRA
Don’t be idiotic. I’m not dead.
VIRGIL
‘Fraid so.
HARRY
Myra! No!
MYRA
But this is a neighborhood…with an orange sky.
VIRGIL
The sky reflects light from the level above this one. What’s that one, again, Moses? Heretics or murderers?
MOSES
Heretics.
VIRGIL
Why can’t I ever remember that?
HARRY
Sorry—where are we?
MYRA
Who are those people?
VIRGIL
Oh, those are your new neighbors, Mrs. Friedrich. This circle is for people who spent all their time on earth doing CDIs—Consistent Dismissive Infractions.
MYRA
Consistent…?
MOSES
Dismissive Infractions. You’re here because the day you met Harry, you decided to make him a project. You spent all your time telling him how to live, what to think, what he could and could not do. These people did the same thing.
MYRA
I never did that!
HARRY
Little bit.
MYRA
Well, you needed it, Harold! (Pause) Are those people…dead?
MOSES
Yeah, but so are you. Look, Mrs. Friedrich, you’re going to love it here. Everybody here spends every waking minute trying to be perfect. Everybody here plays bridge.
MYRA
Oh?
MOSES
Look at those lawns: perfect.
MYRA
Why is that man on his hands and knees with a scissors?
MOSES
He’s cutting blades of grass that bend over the sidewalk.
MYRA
(Impressed) Really?
MOSES
Why don’t you go talk to him?
MYRA
I guess I could. I mean, we’re both dead, so what could he do to me? Come on, Harry.
VIRGIL
Harry isn’t getting out here.
HARRY
I’m not?
MYRA
Yoo hoo! (Voice fading) We’ll catch up later, Harold.
SFX: Squeaks as somebody
climbs into the ambulance.
Slamming of a door.
HARRY
We’re just gonna leave her here? What’s going to happen to her?
VIRGIL
She’ll make frenemies. Set up a neighborhood watch. Write her memoirs. They’re big on memoirs in that neighborhood, even though nobody wants to read anybody’s memoir but his own.
HARRY
Will I see her again?
MOSES
Death cancels all contracts. You aren’t married to Myra any more. Are you OK with that?
HARRY
She had good qualities.
MOSES
Everybody does, Harry, but some people’s goodness dries up.
HARRY
Oh. Boy, things are happening so fast. So…we’re going to the hospital now?
VIRGIL
(Clears throat) Well…
MOSES
…about that…
VIRGIL
…actually, Mr. Friedrich, you really did have a heart attack.
HARRY
Oh. (Swallows) So I’m dead too.
VIRGIL
‘Fraid so.
HARRY
Weird. Being dead doesn’t hurt.
MOSES
I know, right?
HARRY
So…where are we going?
MOSES
You’re going where you’re supposed to be.
HARRY
Heaven?
VIRGIL
Maybe later.
HARRY
I’m a little nervous.
VIRGIL
Don’t be nervous. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re already dead.
SFX: Braking. Engine cuts out.
MOSES
We’re here.
SFX: Engine stops. Buckles
unbuckle.
HARRY
Hoo boy.
VIRGIL
Let he help you sit up. There you go. Feel OK?
HARRY
I guess so.
SFX: Ambulance doors opening.
Seagulls and waves washing in
to shore continue to the end.
Wow. What is this place?
MOSES
This is what you chose when you and Myra were just married and still hoping for kids. This is what you chose when you kept your cool every time Myra tried to start a fight. Here, Harry, you will never have to play bridge. You can eat all the sausage and crackers you want. You can wear shorts 24/7 and show the whole world your knobby knees. You can whistle in the house if you want to. Your reward for being a nice guy, Harry, is that now you get to be just…yourself.
HARRY
(Awed) The ocean. It’s beautiful.
MOSES
Yeah, we were pretty stoked when we found out you were coming here. See that cooler over there? It’s full of ice-cold beer. That fishing pole is yours, too. Those kids digging in the sand are your neighbors, Jack and Lara. We told them a nice old man was moving in next door who could tell great stories.
HARRY
I know a couple. Wow, you guys really went all out.
MOSES
We’re glad to go the extra mile for a guy like you, but you mostly did this yourself. You reap what you sow, Harry, am I right?
VIRGIL
Go on, Harry. Take your shoes off.
HARRY
Myra never let me go barefoot. You’re sure she’ll be happy?
MOSES
I wouldn’t use that word, but she’s already pointing out imperfect blades of grass to the perfect lawn guy.
HARRY
She’ll enjoy that. Well. OK, then. I guess I’ll go over and say hello to those kids. Wow, this sand feels so great! I haven’t gone barefoot on the beach since I was a kid!
MOSES
No more shoes and socks for you, Harry. Enjoy. Come on, Virg, let’s go pick up the next fare.
SFX: Doors slam. Engine starts
up, fades away.
HARRY
Here goes nothing. (Clears throat) Hey, Jack and Lara! I’m your new neighbor, Harry. What’re you two making over there?
The end
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